I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm too high and old for this...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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