i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
