I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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