im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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