i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
