i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
