I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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