I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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