Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
