If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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