Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
