Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
