My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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