On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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