I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
