So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
