im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
BRING THE BAGELS
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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