just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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