your parents love me but you hate me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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