I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
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I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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