Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My cat gives me a boner
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
