Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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