I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
