Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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