there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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