ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
