Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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