You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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