Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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