I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
