She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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