when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
