smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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