He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize