you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
