What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
