I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
