I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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