Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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