i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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