babies were throwing up all over the place
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
