My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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