Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
