please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
