I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Watching her eat just hurts me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
