You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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