Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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