All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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