When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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