Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
