when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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