Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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