My liver just broke up with me...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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