On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize