so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
