the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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