She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
