i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
